No, You Aren’t Dating a Narcissist. This is Why You Should Still Leave.
Be honest. If you’ve ever found yourself unhappy in a relationship, you’ve read your fair share of articles on the subject. You’ve nodded in understanding to authors’ depictions of toxic partners, gaslighting, and the crown jewel, narcissism. And it feels good. In the same way that proving to your mom that you actually do have a serious anxiety disorder feels good. Yeah, you’re totally validated, but you’re also kind of fucked.
While everyone displays some narcissistic traits at times (don’t lie, you have a whole album of gym mirror selfies hidden on your phone, and I’m totally not judging you), Narcissistic Personality Disorder only affects 0.5–1% of people. The chances that you’re dating someone with this condition are really, really low.
“But, Aaron!” you protest, “my significant other acts like they’re better than me. They push my boundaries and aren’t empathetic to my needs. And though they pretend otherwise in public, their self-esteem is actually really low.”
Yep. I hear you. I’ve been there. And trust me, I’ve been down the rabbit hole of articles searching for answers. An explanation. A reason why my partner, this person I loved, would behave with such disregard for me (I am not proud of my screen time on Medium in the waning hours of my last relationship). As much as you want to find a satisfying conclusion to your search, an answer that finally helps you understand, let me save you the trouble: it doesn’t exist. And it doesn’t matter.
If you’re reading “12 Clues You’re in a Toxic Relationship” or “7 Signs that Your Partner is a Narcissist” (I made up these titles, but I’ll bet you a yogurt parfait these are both real), you already know everything you need to know about your relationship: it’s making you miserable.
People in happy relationships don’t spend their time trying to figure out what’s wrong with their partner.
Do you want to be unhappy in your relationship? I’m going to assume not, unless you’re Taylor Swift and you need some inspiration for your next album. If you’re not the world’s most entrepreneurial pop queen, it’s time to start asking yourself a few tough questions.
- Why am I reading articles about narcissists and toxic partners?
Ok, I’ll give this one to you. There’s a chance you’re dating a narcissist. A 0.5–1% chance. And there’s a chance you’re dating someone toxic (or at least toxic to you). I don’t have the metrics on this one. Listen, last time I ran a study was my high school AP Stats class. I made people eat PowerBars and do push-ups. Good times.
Anyway, the person you’re dating probably isn’t a narcissist. And they probably aren’t toxic. More than likely, they’re just another imperfect, learning, growing, and trying-their-damndest-but-still-not-quite-having-it-figured-out human being. Just like you.
You know what’s really going on? For one reason or another, your relationship isn’t meeting your needs and is making you feel trapped. You’re reading down the Am-I-Dating-a-Narcissist rabbit hole because you think you need an excuse to leave. You think you need an infallible reason to break up with this person you love. Guess what? You don’t.
Listen, I don’t care if the reason is “I really hate how they have literally nothing hanging on their walls; I feel like I’m dating a FSB agent.” It’s valid. Break up with them. I mean, don’t say that to that them, that’s fucked up. Just tell them you don’t see a future with them. Even if you really mean “I don’t see a future with you because I’m pretty sure you’re getting ready to frame me for stealing NSA surveillance tapes.”
Just stop wasting your time reading all those articles, ok? Break it off. You know I’m right.
2. Do I really think there’s something wrong with my partner?
Ok, I’m gonna be serious for once. Think very, very carefully about this one. Do you genuinely believe that your partner — who you may have been with for quite some time — has a serious mental disorder that is negatively affecting both of you? If you do, please stop reading articles and talk to a trained professional ASAP for advice on how to proceed.
For the majority of people, the answer here is “no.” In all likelihood, there’s nothing wrong with your partner. But there is something wrong with your relationship. If you’ve tried working on it and you’re still browsing the My Partner Sucks™ reading list, it’s time to swallow that tough pill and get yourself out of there ASAP.
3. Why is it so difficult to let go of something that makes me unhappy?
Once again, I highly recommend talking to a therapist on this one. However, if you’re short on cash or just prefer getting your advice from an eccentric bald dude online, then you’ve come to the right place.
Real talk, I’ve struggled with this a lot in the past — hanging onto romantic relationships, friendships, and employers when they weren’t right for me and were making me miserable. Though I never would have admitted it even to myself, deep down I was terrified that I’d never find anything (or anyone) better. It was a lack of self-esteem.
Chances are, if you’re spending your time trying to figure out what’s wrong with your partner and why they aren’t making you happy, it’s you who simply can’t be happy in that situation. And that’s ok! I own neither a curly wig nor a gavel, so clearly I’m not here to judge. It’s time to be brutally honest with yourself and figure out why you’re holding onto things that you know aren’t good for you.
When you’re feeling unhappy in your relationship, it’s easy to go down the rabbit hole of articles telling you how to spot a narcissistic or toxic partner. Well, Alice, I’m here to grab you by your ankles and pull you back to reality.
You aren’t dating a narcissist. Your partner isn’t a terrible person. But you are unhappy.
The answer here isn’t more literature. So stop making both of you miserable and get the hell out of there.
